We live; Beauty from pain

Chins up!

2005-12-30T06:41:00.000-08:00

So things are Def. looking up. I can honestly say that I have had the most fun with him this past week then these past few month's put together. I know through all the trials we will go through, we of all people can get each other through them. I have total confidence in who he is with me and without me. I love him. I trust him. Its funny but I feel like I have really gotten to know him better this past week than I did in a whole year...Well maybe not. However, I just feel so close with him. I love it. I love reassurance. I just pray that this coming semester will be ok. I just want communication. I am not asking for much more than that, because soon enough he will be leaving me for like 2+ month's. We need good communication through that to even make it through. This summer is gonna be rough. Thank goodness I have Gracie and the Dirkes. They can get me through anything. Along with the Lord. =)
Anyway, thought I would update with something a little more cheerful, because life is great. He makes it even better!

recommendation: SEE CHRONICLES OF NARJIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Great GREAT movie. Saw it with my love!

Always Yours,
Lindsey

Ah!

2005-12-06T11:54:00.000-08:00

I am LOST! Where to go next. I have no drive to go any further sometimes. Then again sometimes things are so good that I forget about the bad. I need to figure out my life. I need to gain strength.

I long for companionship. I long for understanding. Why is it that the people you get along with the most are the greatest in opposites. huh...Sigh.

If you are going to be with me, be with me no games. I hate games.

I need to do things better with certain ppl, because those ppl have been apart of me for so long that they do not deserve disappointment.

If not for anyone, I will DO IT for myself.

God Grant me peace to know what you want for me. Self-Control to do what is needed when I figure out your wants and my needs.

Lord, Watch over individuals after I am gone. People walk in and out of your life for many reasons, some you do not know. But in the end whether they are there are not, it is where you are supposed to be.

Go Big or Go home.

MISSIONARY WORK IS MY GOAL FOR MY LIFE. That and the Medical field! Thats what I shall do. Any work that is for the Lord is my goal! Anything else is NOT MY WORTH MY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tschus,
Lindsey

Divinity

2005-11-29T06:10:00.000-08:00

Hmm. I have had lots on my mind lately and I have come to the conclusion that life is not worth living unless I am living and striving for the truth. I have been chatting with this friend of mine a lot lately and he really has amazing insight on where I want to be in my life. Hes quite inspiring and quite convicting. Love it. I know I need more of HIM my creator and I know that I want to spend the rest of my life searching out THE truth. The Truth being My Lord. There are so many simple reasons on why I am who I am ( Catholic). Its really just basic logic. It funny how you can get into a discussion on religion with so many types of people and come out thinking, " wow, that was complicated and I didnt get anywhere." However, its not meant to be that difficult. Though, most simple things are the most difficult ones to achieve. Religion most simple yet difficult concept. I guess its difficult to those who do not understand it. Me being Catholic, is like being an investor in the stocks. The investor knows the trade like the back of his hand and can tell you logically what to do and what not to do just by common sense. And then there are other times where full faith plays a role. Obviously because the stock flucuates every few minutes( like life.)
But catholicism is just the same. if you are educated in it, it is very simple. The answers are obvious and logical. And then there are some days with some circumstances when faith takes a hand. I am not quite sure why people make more out it then what it REALLY is. Jesus came to earth picked 12 MEN as his disciples to run His CHURCH not churches. I am pretty sure seeing as the man was GOD he knew the difference between plural and singular. So why do we have the split in the churches. I think the thing that gets me is the kind of churches like the "25th reformed church of ada" ( as an example, and meant out of no disrespect). But what is the 25th reformed? Did they not like the first 24 that had already been reformed, that they needed to make a new one? I guess I just do not understand. All I know is that I believe in a church that has been around for more than 2000 years and was FOUNDED by Jesus Christ. " And I say to thee. thou art Peter, and upon this rock I will build my Church, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it."(Matthew 16:18) Matthew 16:16-19 ("Thou art Peter and upon this rock I will build my Church") and John 21:15-17 ("Feed my lambs . . . Feed my sheep") contain the doctrine of Papal Supremacy. Luke 22:32 ("I have prayed for thee that thy faith fail not and do thou . . . confirm thy brethren") must be interpreted as providing a basis for the doctrine of Papal Infallibility. I guess another way of looking at our infallibilty with the church is also with our Pope. The verse to which you refer is one of the most controversial in the entire Bible: "You are Peter, and on this rock I will build my Church" (Mt 16:18). Peter in Aramaic is Cephas, meaning "Rock" or "Rocky," a play on words by Jesus. Roman Catholics see this verse as applying to Peter himself and passing on the privilege to all the popes in history. Many centuries later, popes began to claim not only universal authority over the whole Church but also infallibility when speaking officially ("ex cathedra") on matters of faith and morals.

I love being Catholic and its not just because I grew up being Catholic but because it fullfills me, in truth, in mind, in soul, and in body. I do not think I would be happy anywhere else. I love what catholicism has to offer and most of all I love the TRUE presence of Christ in the Eucharist and Adoration.
My passion in with the LORD.
Always yours
Lindsey

2005-11-25T16:56:00.000-08:00

Strength: The ability to maintain a moral or intellectual position firmly.
An attribute or quality of particular worth or utility; an asset. Strength is something I need now more than anything. I need to have endurance for the allotment of trust has come and gone. My heart is held ever so tightly wrapped in fear. I hate fear, it only comes from the the devil, along with those specific things that bring about the fear inthe first place. I will walk on somberly as though as nothing has phased me, however, with every glance it haunts and strikes at me. "Satan I rebuke you and all you have in store, stay away from me and those I love in the name of JESUS CHRIST my REDEEMER AND LORD! " Those will be the words of my prayers everyday. Somethings gotta give.
Why?! I guess I just do not understand, why is it that people today care more for themselves and less for others. Why is it that todays people are so corrupt? You know, I just want the truth. The truth of you is all my heart desires.
Its like this. A child when born knows nothing but those who care for it and love it. They go on learning and living to trust those who care and love it. The child believes that if it werent for the caregivers it would not survive, that is how strong of a bong the two have. One day the child is left alone abandoned due to selfish mistakes of the caregivers, what is the child supposed to do?How is the child supposed to think? All it has ever known is love and compassion, honest and comfort. But now, now it has no idea what to think or where to go. Yet it forgives and moves on, yet it doubt. The only things that can mend the child, are truths and vulnerablity. Vulnerability in the sense that nothing is left unsaid or undone. (add more later)

Good ol' friends and good conversations

2005-11-17T07:48:00.000-08:00

So I have been chatting with a friend of mine whom I have known for ...well, for a long time. Since we were both in grade school. He and I went to the same school and church when we were younger, and attended the same youth group for awhile in High school. Then we sorta lost touch for awhile. we seem to have an understanding though. I think its always been easy for us to talk to each other. At least it has been for me. And I thank God hes there when I need to talk to him.

So things have progressively stayed the same throughout this week, hopefully the weekend with bring better news. We chatted a couple times in the past two days. Its wierd because I dont think I have ever been so distant with him. Def. do not like it, however I know there is something that awaits us, good or bad. Tonight should be good, we are going to adoration together. I am way excited I love it when he comes with me to these kinds of things, it makes me feel whole within our relationship. I just wish he knew that he doesnt need to feel uncomfortable in certain situations. Him and I are on exactly the same level, I just have more knowledge of what comes with the whole thing because I have been livin it since I was like um...born. I love him and the Lord so much and my only want is for him to truely feel the presence of the Lord tonight. To truely take in the essence of the whole experience. ( so he didnt end up doing) what do ya do.

Prayer:
Lord, all that I ask is for you to reveal yourself to us in our relationship in such a way that neither of us can deny you! We need you heavenly father. If we expect to make things happen the only thing that can ensure that we will be relitively ok is YOU! Come Holy Spirit and fill us, make us new, in you. Amen

Well, this is to you my Love. I pray for you everyday that God blesses you more than He blesses me. MUAH.

Always Yours,
Lindsey

Salience I tell you.

2005-11-15T07:25:00.000-08:00

Had a good conversation, but still unsure. You are so different. I cannot exactly put my fingure on what it is but you are different. I think maybe its comfortability? You have gotten too comfortable that you now act differently. However, I am so crazy in love with you. I need you! I feel as ifI am growing stronger and you are growing apart. Hope not. I love being wrapped up in your arms, I love kissing you. I just enjoy being with you! If there is anything I could do to make you happier I would. I would give you the world if I could. Just tell me what you need and want and thats exactly how it will be. I love you. I have such a deep devotion for you. I Pray God strengthens us and our journey together. Kisses.
Always Yours,
Lindsey

Difficulty

2005-11-12T21:26:00.000-08:00

Not sure if I can do it anymore. I am putting all I have into it and putting it to the test. I have so much I want to live for but it just has been so difficult to do it the way I WANT to do it. I think I need to let go and live life the way I NEED to. I know who I am but it seems as though I haven't been living me out lately. I have been hidden in a corner. Freedom crys out to me and I choose not to listen. However, I feel independence right around the corner. Now is my time to trust in the LORD and in the LORD alone. He is the only thing getting me through! He is the only one that truely takes the time to understand me and will ever truely understand me. I was in a session with God tonight at this concert I went to and it was amazing. I felt like ME for the first time in along time! I LOVED IT! I need to go back there more often. I have decided to go to adoration on thursday. I need that too.
Is it coming time? Do I really want to? What do I need? What do I want?? Obviously I want happiness, however I don't think happiness wants me. LOL. I feel apart and I need to put myself back together.
The end of my ramblings. On to a new week and new difficulties.
Lindsey

The human capacity to love.

2005-11-12T00:48:00.000-08:00

I would have to say that this week was incredibly difficult. I sometimes do not know how to deal with what is happening in life and what might eventually happen. Or maybe things will work themselves out and we will be in the so called, "up and out" I truly believe that ones capacity to love and be loved is so large that at times it hurts to fill. I don't always know the right way to love. Should I keep pursuing something I feel to be slipping away? Of course not due to my own choosing. Change, change is the one thing to blame. Busieness is another, along with success. In today's world society thrives on greed. Greed is stemmed from success and TOO much money and the yearn for much more than what is needed. Where do you draw the line. When is something too much. How do you know you have out stepped your limit on what is on your plate? Is it when your life is no longer passing you by, its running you over? Or is it when you try so hard to achieve the world but in achieving and accomplishing you loose what is most dear to you, YOUR LIFE AND THOSE YOU LOVE. Sometimes I feel like I should just move away and find out where I really should be and what I should be doing with life. Other times I just want to know that I wont get hurt again, that I can trust and be trusted. I do not always feel as if I am completely confident in who I am and who I pursue. I have been so hurt in the past that the one thing that holds me back from really letting someone know me is the fear of rejection. I have heard many times, " I love you and would never hurt you." But yah know... No matter how sincere someone might be with those words, they never stay true. Maybe its the fact that I am easily hurt, who knows? (sigh)
All I know is that its is almost the start of another week, a week for trial and tribulation, and a week to start a new. This week will be brighter I hope. I pray that God can give me strength because I have learned that human love is not enough. I need more. However, when I say I want MORE, it really means that I want someone to share the MORE with me. Is there anyone out there that will understand me enough, and love me enough to want MORE with me. To walk with me side by side and say, "I will hold your hand and help you along, as long as you help me also! " I want a HELPMATE! I NEED ONE!
The someone I want seems to be moving farther and farther away from really knowing me! Please, if you really want this, I need you to understand everything there is to know, I want questions asked and questions answered. I want to lay beneath the stars and tell my deepest passions to you. I want you to do the same. I WANT TO BE THAT MIRROR IMAGE! Will you help me. I miss you. I love you.
ALWAYS YOURS.
Lindsey

Monday night tossing and turning.

2005-11-01T13:38:00.000-08:00

This weekend flew by, thank GOD! The only things good about it were Gracie and my Daniel. Saturday night really sucked, I wanted so much to stay were I knew I would be content, but I went to work and a night of hell. After Saturday night I came to a few conclusions; walking on sidewalks as become just as safe as walking in the middle of a busy intersection, some ppl who think they know everything can be quite overwhelming and dumb(I suppose I can get that way), and most importantly I am glad I am with the guy I am with. Hes not foolish and annoying like some men.( no offense to all those good guys out there.)

Concerns of the week:(1) I am tired today, and will prolly be tired the rest of the week up until friday.(2) The main person in my life has brought questions to my head of my future. Questions that bring thoughts that are unsure to my life. I guess the only thing I can do is pray about it.

Scenario:
You are in love with this wonderful man, would do anything for you. You both are in college and have plans for marriage sometime in the future. You have faith in him and in your relationship and in the Lord, however maybe not enough. You see glimpses of what is to come through little thigns he does. some are good and some ..some are questionable and leave you worried. Do you think its possible for this man of your dreams to become something so different in the futre that you no longer know him anymore. And what make a man bored with his life, family,...WIFE?! Do you think boredom is in a man who is too involved with his job? Just questions!

Tell me what it is to make you happy. Tell me your pain. I want to be the ONE and ONLY to know you and figure you out. I want to be the ONE and ONLY that you WANT you know you and figure you out. I love you, I need you. my "agenda" for the rest of my life is to know and love you soo passionately that you will never need another.

Always Yours

Mmm...falling.

2005-10-29T22:14:00.000-07:00

"Something happened to my heart the day that I met you,Something that I never felt before. You are always on my mind no matter what I do, And everyday it seems that I want you more. My love is warmer than the warmest sunshine, Softer than a sigh. My love is deeper than the deepest ocean, Wider than the sky. My love is brighter than the brightest star, That shines every night above, And there is nothing in this world That can ever change my love."

"You know I really love you, Your love is beautiful, lasting, and true. I've searched for a true love for such a long, long time. Now, my search has ended, yes, cause you are mine. I'll always love you and I'll always tell you so. As long as I'm with you, my love I'll always show. Whenever I'm sad and feeling real blue, I begin to feel happy as I sit and think of you. I think of your face and your personality. You are so beautiful, you mean everything to me. "

Tonight I didnt want to leave him. Things seem to be getting more tough as life proceeds to go along. I hate being without him. I know we both need our seperate time, however, whenever I leave I feel as if I am being torn away. I want to live every moment together. I want the value of our lives and the greatness in which they are lived to be together in the Lord. I yearn to make things better, I yearn to make things right. I fear the darkness that has soo clouded my sight. I want to understand you, I want to have comfortability. I want to be trusted and to trust. I want to experience the Lord in our Love. I need to know where you stand and how you feel. I need you to be vulnerable to me, and I to you. We need to go deeper. If I only knew how to reach out to you, life would be much easier.

Alway Yours

Lindsey

Tonight 10.28.05

2005-10-29T01:36:00.000-07:00

I need him, I miss him, I love him with all I have. Sometimes I wonder where I would be without him. I talk about him constantly. If he only knew how I felt half the time. I cant say what I want to, I dont know how. I wish he understood that I cant be with out him. I wish he understood that I want to do everything with him. I want to experience every aspect of life with him by my side. I want him to understand that I just wanna lay around while his fingers are going through my hair and talk. And I mean really talk. I want him to tell me his most saught out secrets of life. I want to fully discover him, I want to know him inside and out; like the back of my hand. I want to have an amazing spiritual connection with him. I want to pray with him, I want to know we are doing the right things. I want him to be...HAPPY.
I LOVE YOU!